Apparently the Texas Game Warden wants to know. Is it because he has flowers on his shirt and looks ever so happy with Amanda's bridal bouquet in front of him while waiting for burgers at the Chicken Oil Company the day after Amanda's wedding? No...it has nothing to do with that - I just couldn't resist posting this picture.
Let me explain. We spent Memorial weekend at the lake with family and friends. It was a great weekend of boating, beer, margaritas, sun, and good food. Saturday afternoon, after we ate dinner, we went back out on the water to squeeze out every last moment of daylight, taking the boat and the two jet skis. It was too rough for skiing or wakeboarding, so we anchored on the opposite side of the lake to swim for a while. We cut it a bit close on our return trip to the house...the jet skis are not legal on the water at all after sunset; boats can be out as long as they are properly lit. As we were leisurely making our way from the south end of the lake back to our house, ScottE (Amanda's Scott) and I were each driving a jet ski and everyone else was in the boat which was driven by my dad. We had JUST been discussing whether we thought that we would see the game warden out since it was a holiday weekend, and had concluded that, yes, undoubtedly, we would be pulled over at some point - most likely to check for life jackets, registration and a fire extinguisher. We were about 5 minutes from our cove when out of the corner of my eye I saw what I thought was the game warden. I thought, "Shit! What are the rules for sunset? Is it the official sunset time? Is it 30 minutes before?" I didn't know exactly. So I kept driving, hoping that he would stay in the distance. The next thing I knew, I saw his flashing light as he pulled up behind the boat like a street cop to pull over my dad. At this point I assumed that the game warden would lecture my dad about not having the lights on and either give him a ticket or just ask him to turn them on. I did not want to wait around because after just a few minutes, I would certainly be illegal. Therefore, despite the fact that I never thought of myself as being one to run from the law, I did exactly that. What was the point of all three of us getting tickets if two of us could make it home in time? Luckily ScottE followed my lead. The water was rough, so we stood up on the jet skis and hauled ass across the lake to the cove. I knew there was no way that little aluminum boat would be able to catch up to us in the rough water.
We made our way into the cove and started idling back to the house. Assuming that we had outrun Smokey, I looked over my shoulder and noticed a boat that looked similar to the game warden's boat, except that it wasn't aluminum. However, it caught my eye. Then ScottE motioned over to it and said - that's them! How in the hell could Smokey have cut across the lake that fast? It must be a different one! So we gave the jet skis a little gas, still trying not to make a wake, until we reached the boathouse. Then we pulled them into the boathouse and tied them to the boat straps. Inside the boathouse, we were not visible to anyone approaching from the other end of the cove. We quietly climbed onto the dock and hid behind the wall as the perpetrator approached. As he passed the boathouse, we inched to the other side - staying out of his field of vision. It was then that I realized that the boat was not a game warden...it was just the people that were visiting our neighbors! I knew that wasn't a game warden's boat!
So ScottE and I moved the jetski's out of the boathouse and tied them up to the dock. Shortly after, the rest of the crew idled over to the boathouse. As my dad was pulling the boat into the slip, he started telling some outlandish story about how he was given a field sobriety test by this 20 year old (looking) game warden. Amanda was chiming in, too. One thing I've learned over the years is that my dad is a great story teller...it doesn't matter if the story is truth or fiction. He takes great pleasure in tricking people. Who else would have made up a story based on the lunar calendar, the history of the building of the dam at Lake LBJ, his imagination and a printed poster from America's Most Wanted to share one evening after dinner to a large group of fools drunk on pina coladas at Lake LBJ several years ago? (That legendary work of fiction is a prime example of Bob-Lore and deserves its own blog post.) I'm telling you, this man can come up with some crazy ideas...J.K. Rowling has nothing on him! And Amanda, well, she's a likely sidekick. It wasn't until Lanell, someone who I would not have pegged as a teller of tall tales, started confirming the details that I began to believe the story.
Apparently, the game warden was just doing his job - making sure that people aren't drunk-boating. I suspect that his name was Junior and that he was trying to impress his father, Buford T. Justice, who was waiting patiently back at the shore in between his attempts to catch the Bandit, although I have no way of confirming this. Junior asked if my dad had been drinking, to which my dad replied yes, but not since 4 o'clock. However, this young game warden decided that Bob Stolting was a shifty looking character (see picture above for an example of shiftiness.) He even commented about eyes being glazed over or some such nonsense. And so began the most ridiculous field sobriety test ever administered on a boat...or perhaps anywhere. Suspect Bob had to do the following:
- Touch his fingers to his thumb repeatedly counting up to four and then down to one, getting faster each time.
- Recite the alphabet from B to M.
- Count backwards...it was something like from 17 to 5.
- Follow a pen with his eyes without moving his head. Keep in mind that neither the game warden nor my dad were on solid ground. They were each in their own boat and were moving up and down and side to side separately. He did this for a full minute. I was told that the test was enough to make a sober person vomit. My dad, the alleged suspect, did not.
- FINALLY, take a breathalizer test, which registered almost nothing.
After hearing this, I asked if they felt like they were watching an episode of RENO 911, where the officer begins to choreograph a dance routine and asks the driver to repeat. I was certain that I was going to hear about a test that involved a kick ball change and a pirouette.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDzcYerwE4s
The breathalizer was enough to convince Junior that Shifty Bob was just a normal guy driving his boat on the lake. And nothing was ever mentioned about sunset or the boat lights! The moral of this story is: if the game warden tries to administer a field sobriety test on the lake on a "no tolerance" weekend, just ask to go straight to the breathalizer and skip all the goofy kindergarten games.
We had a good laugh at this run-in with the law. We also had a great weekend. I finally found a water activity that I can do that Scott (my Scott) can't...wakeboarding! After many years skiing and slaloming, I tried wakeboarding for the first time last summer, but Scott wasn't with me when we learned, so this was his first attempt with us. Poor Scott is a slaloming fool, but he just couldn't get up on the wakeboard. The water was rough when he slalomed, but he still did well until the wipe out which was undoubtedly due to the choppy water that day.
Dan said he had not been skiing in 20 years...not bad!
I am still getting the hang of going in and out of the wake. It's totally different compared to a slalom.
ScottE's found his niche with wakeboarding. He did well going in and out of the wake and even kept us entertained with a wipe out at the end.
Amanda had no trouble last summer but for some reason this summer, she thought that she was supposed to dive off of the wakeboard. (Sorry, Amanda...I could not resist.)
One final note to the fishermen that we (and other skiers) pissed off by the dam Sunday and Monday mornings: You have 99,000 acres of lake to fish in. We have precious few areas to ski in as they must be stump free and smooth. If you insist on fishing in the calm stump free water by the dam on a holiday weekend, then you should expect to be disturbed by the boats pulling skiers. If you don't like it, then get your asses away from the dam!
I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend. As you return to your normal routine, remember to remain diligent in keeping the peace. Watch for unsavory characters such as the one featured in this post. You really have no idea what he is capable of.
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